Inside my head

Today’s will be somewhat depressing, so feel free to skip. As much as I’d like to keep everything scientific, the fact is that it’s not. There are tons of emotions involved. Plus, I’m still in the middle of my femara regimen, so feel free to blame that for today’s post.

10 weeks. That’s how far along I should be. Or, I should have a 10 month old ready to celebrate his/her first Christmas. Or, I should have a 3 month old, ready to celebrate their first Christmas. Usually, I don’t let these things get to me, but sometimes they come back up, and I have no control over when or how they do. There are a couple of triggers this time. The first, I learned someone at church is 9 weeks along. That’s really close to how far along I should be. When that baby is born, will I be reminded that I’m missing out? Maybe I’ll be pregnant by then. But then again, maybe not. There are no guarantees. I have no idea where in this journey I’ll be by then.

The other trigger: We’re sending out Christmas cards this week. I had thought about announcing our pregnancy using the Christmas cards. It would have been a couple of weeks earlier than I’d like, but the timing was too perfect. Another option was to forgo Christmas cards and send New Years’ cards. But instead, I’m sending cards out that just say “Merry Christmas.” I still like the letter idea for announcing. Maybe I’ll do that anyway, even if it is not at Christmas time when I get to make my grand announcement.

10 thoughts on “Inside my head”

  1. You aren’t alone in this, infertility, imagining your lost children, and hurting from time to time. Some times you experience the hurt in dull aches, others like a wave, and other just a subtle flame.

  2. Stephen brought up to me this weekend if our first child had lived, he would have been almost 7. That’s hard for me to imagine. That ache never goes away no matter what other good things come along.

    Christmas is always hard when you have suffered loss.

    We love you guys and know what this part feels like.

  3. Yeah, the season definitely has some to do with it. Contrary to my last comment, I hate that anyone has to know what this feels like. We love you guys too and are so glad that you’re both there for us.

  4. Well, I certainly can’t relate, but I am very much a believer in the rejoice-with-the-joyful and grieve-with-the-grieving way of doing things. And as it is, I have two broad shoulders, one for each of you. [Even if Molly would then jump on top of us because she wasn’t getting any attention.]

  5. our baby would have been one year old this Christmas. i’ve even imagined our baby into the future. the look, feel, smell, the crying, the laughing, and school. all just a dream. even before we got pregnant and lost the baby i daydreamed about giving my parents a Christmas present with a little bean in a box with a note from the baby-to-be saying something about this is how big i am right now and i can’t wait to see you in so many more months. i know that we have done all that we can and are willing to do medically. we know the chances the doctors have given us to even concieve (

  6. BUT, i would like to share with you something that has become very special to me since we had the miscarriage. a friend told me that i was now and forever a mother. and she didn’t try to explain it or add to it. and that was exactly what i needed. so, you, too are now and forever a mother. for all of your children. sorry this is so long.

  7. Thanks beyok. There’s no reason to apologize for long comments. It’s always nice to hear I’m not alone in my imagining my lost children. I think the bean in a box daydream is a really neat idea for telling parents. 🙂 And it is nice to be told that I’m now and forever a mother. Thank you for those words.

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